i am faced with one of the most daunting decisions i have ever come across. while i live by the ideal that whatever path i choose will be right for me, i know that these are majorly diverting paths, and i can only walk one at a time. sure, i could go to new york to test it out and see how it goes. sure, i could stay here and live around people i love and work in an industry that i hadn't considered. i could move to colorado or japan or portugal or new zealand. as naive as it seems, i feel as though i am choosing a path i will commit to for a good portion of my life, though. i try to look at them and how they will be if i decide i want to change the course of my life, just so if and when i get there, i can have meditated on it before... but how do i apply restaurant experience to anything else? how do i apply music industry experience? what good is my degree at this point? i love my work in the restaurant industry and could easily continue, but i'm afraid it will be at the expense of other portions of my identity in that since i've started, i've forgotten how to play songs i knew by heart. i've spent evenings and days off just decompressing and not being productive. as management, i can only assume my commitment will deepen, and my time off will decrease... but then, isn't that the case with any job at this point? maybe i have to simply surrender to it a bit and work out new ways to maintain a semblance of these parts of me i like so much.
staying in ca almost seems like giving up and doing the easy thing to me, but i can't avoid the logic in it and the sense it makes for me... the people, the work, the place... they all click... but i sometimes feel a compulsion to do the hard thing some more - to go to the new place or the harder place to live and crank it out while i'm young. but i can't understand that idea all that well... why not live the place that makes me happier and commit to the lifestyle that i find easier when it's available to me?
i'm terrified of giving up my freedom to drop everything when i feel the need, but more than that, i'm worried that once i do agree to grow up, i will start to be old. i don't mind working hard and making a life so much, but i'm scared to let it beat me down and make me submissive, complacent, and otherwise idle. i already have spent too much time not running or biking or writing or playing or networking or bonding. i always have to wait until i can get a gym membership or the weather warms or my commute is more reasonable or the next piece of gear arrives.
i am terrified that i will spend all my time in preparation for a life i don't ever begin to live, more than anything.
being at school gives you a relatively absolute direction and timeframe, and if anything has been made clear to me, it's that you can give months up in the blink of an eye to nothing more than sitting on craigslist and hoping for a break that may never come.
my opportunities here grew, though... as i'm sure they might anywhere else... but the future without moving again is easy to envision and attain. i just beat myself up as i consider it to be the path of least resistance, but what is so wrong with continuing to live without fighting?